The Holidays and Bereavement - Joy, Memories and Tears

Laughter can change to tears in a moment for those who are coming out of grief after losing a loved one. The holidays are a time of gratitude, hope, and new beginnings. But those who are bereaved, even many years ago, can be surprised when unexpectedly something triggers the twinges of the old grief. Those who are widows and widowers know the feeling.

In the midst of the celebrations something touches off a memory and suddenly there is the sharp pain of missing the loved one. One's chest squeezes, one's throat chokes, and a few tears, or a waterfall of tears, seems to come out of nowhere. It could be in the grocery store, at a party, or driving by a familiar scene.

Other people, who have not experienced deep bereavement and these waves of grief that well up unexpectedly, might wonder what they did to cause this or what is wrong. Not understanding, and feeling uncomfortable around this, they may distance themselves and flee the vicinity. This rejection adds to the pain of the grief. Being around people who have experienced it and understand it, such as a Hospice Grief Group, gives people a place where they know they are safe.

Our society often treats grief like it is a stigma. Hospice helps those who are grieving during the holidays by providing special counseling and events to celebrate the lives of those whom we loved dearly and who have passed away. Hospice is a place where those who are grieving can talk, cry, remember, and share with others these complex mixed feelings.

Those of us who have experienced some deep bereavements know the wave of grief passes and we bounce back. It's important to just accept this as a part of grieving, a part of life, and as something that is normal.

My husband, Frank, passed away from cancer when I was 44, and a dearly loved gentleman companion, Bill, passed away in the early part of 2009. I was thankful that neither suffered for long, although they each had chronic illnesses for a long time. Those who have not lost a husband or wife may have experienced other painful bereavements. Each bereavement is unique and there is no way to say what type of loss is harder.

Turning to our spiritual beliefs is the greatest source of comfort we can find. We are all interconnected spiritually. Love is eternal and life is eternal.

When our friends feel the sudden pangs of grief we can help by listening, unafraid of their tears, and knowing it is a natural part of grieving. We know that even many years later something can trigger the grief waves, and it is not something to fear.

Often people who've experienced deep bereavements of dearly loved ones say although these waves of grief become farther apart, they never totally go away. The holidays in particular are times when we may miss our loved ones the most, but we know that life goes on and that we each have a mission.

Grief does heal with healthy grieving, but most people say the unexpected pangs or sharp twinges can still occur years or even decades later.

But much of society will be uncomfortable and flee our presence when we are grieving. Reminders of death and dying are something people usually wish to avoid. We too, do not wish to dwell on it, but grief has no time limit, although the severity grows less with time.

One of the lessons I learned from group sessions at Hospice was to allow the tears, because holding them back will create a bigger flood later! The wave of hurt when something triggers the grief pangs is more apt to pass if I don't fight it. Then moments later I might be once again remembering my loved one but also celebrating the happy times in the present moment.

Readers, if you have a story about a bereavement and getting through the holidays I invite you to tell your story in the Comment section below this post. Or, you can email it to me, Kristi, at kgott@charter.net and I can put it in a post, anonymously if you wish. Thank you and best wishes for the upcoming year.

Caregivers Who Are Grieving Can Turn to Hospice for Grief Support

• In 1996 when my husband died from cancer, I was not aware of the many types of bereavement groups, educational activities, and counseling that are available from Hospice. Today, I'm very familiar with our local Hospice in San Luis Obispo , California, both from my own experience and from my work.
  
  Family members, caregivers and friends who are grieving can go to the website for the Hospice Foundation to locate a Hospice nearby for grief support. Hospice of San Luis Obispo County is located at 1304 Pacific Street, San Luis Obispo, CA 93401, and the phone number is (805) 544-2266 or (805) 434-1164. The website is at hospiceslo.org.
  
  The variety of grief support programs range from special events to prepare for getting through the holidays without a loved one, to multi-cultural events such as Dia De Los Muertos, which is Mexico's Day of the Dead, and is a little bit similar to a different version of All Saints Day.
  
  The Hospice of San Luis Obispo County is in a beautiful, large, old, craftsman style house, almost a mansion, and the warmth and friendliness of bygone days seems to provide an uplift when you go in the door. A variety of poetry books sit on an antique table as you walk over to the receptionist. A wide range of original art representing different ethnic backgrounds decorates the walls, and it's the kind of place where everyone feels comfortable.
  
  There is no charge for attending Grief Groups or for individual counseling, but a donation to show gratitude is always welcome.
  
  The grief groups include general grief groups for walk-ins, widow and widower groups, pet grief groups, and other specialized groups. Counselors are available to provide individual grief counseling as well.
  
  A notebook full of helpful leaflets about grieving is provided and across from the receptionist is a library full of related books that you can check out.
  
  One of the leaflets is titled "The After Loss Credo" and starts with the following.
  
  "I need to talk about my loss.
  I may often need to tell you what happened or to ask you why it happened.
  Each time I discuss my loss I am helping myself...
  I need to know that you care about me.
  I need to feel your touch, your hugs,
  I need you just to be with me."
  
  Another leaflet is titled "Please, See Me Through My Tears" and begins like this.
  
  "You asked, "How are you doing?" As I told you, tears came to my eyes. You immediately began to talk again, your eyes looked away from me, your speech picked up, and all the attention you had given me went away."
  
  Features and expressions of grief are described elsewhere, including physical symptoms/sensations, emotional responses, cognitive responses, and behaviors.
  
  Steps of grieving, grief rituals, and coping with grief are titles of other topics covered in the notebook packet. One page is titled, "There is no timetable for recovering from grief." It's important to understand that each person's grief is different. No two people will grieve alike.
  
  Hospice Grief Programs provide a place where it is safe for bereaved people to talk and express their feelings with others who are grieving. It's a safe haven, and a place to share. Hearing how others are coping can help each individual navigate the grief process.