Bereavement and Inspiration - Guest Post From Reader Sheila Joyce Gibbs, in Loving Memory of Her Husband Gary

This is Sheila's Story of her love for her husband, Gary, pictured here, and of the bereavement and the inspirations that helped her to cope with the loss. Many thanks to you Sheila for emailing your story to me.

Excerpts from Sheila's Story

We had first met at Christian Teen Camp at Nanoose Bay, here on Vancouver Island, in mid July 1972. I was there, with 5 girlfriends as dishwashers, as none of our parents could afford the cost. He was standing quietly in front of the Lodge, with his bike, looking so very shy!

I found myself wandering over, just to get a close look, as he was so very handsome. I asked if he was staying, & he replied 'no'. He had just ridden down from Powell River to see this place he'd heard so much about. And as he was working at the Mill there, for his Dad, he'd have to be heading back pretty quick.
At the time, I was 16 and he was 17.

We never saw each other again, until early 2000.

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I worked at the Safeway, close to downtown Victoria and there was a particular gorgeous customer, who came in, only about twice a week. But everyday, I hoped to see him. Even though he had asked me out twice, I'd declined, as twice divorced and terrified of making yet another mistake.

On one of my weekly visits to my Mom's, I complained to her about him, and Mom did something she'd never done. Told me, loudly, to ask him, out!

After more time had passed, I discovered that he was one of the top Carpenters in the city, so I asked him if he could do some minor repairs in my apartment in late fall 2003.

Shortly after that, we had our first dinner out, & started sharing & basically putting pieces together.............then found out who the other really was !
And all this time, the boy from Powell River, that handsome young man at Nanoose Bay, had been right here, & was my favourite customer at work/Safeway !

We started recounting days, months, years of our live's, and mistakes we'd made. Unbelievably, our pasts were almost identical!
During my two previous bad marriages, I had thought & wondered of him so very many times, and he the same of me!

We were married April 17th, 2004!

It was almost immediately afterwards that he took ill, and for someone in excellent physical condition, never been in the hospital, he slowly went down hill for the next 3 yrs.

Gary never took off his wedding ring or crucifix, but on April 12th, 2007, he asked me while so ill, laying in bed, to take them, without giving a reason. It scared me so much, as my dear Mom had done the same thing four years prior, just 2 days before she had passed away !

And, so, my beautiful, Christian husband, the only man of my dreams, who gave me the best three years of my life, just slipped away & joined my Mom & Dad in GLORY, on April 14th, 2007.
I had never been treated as well, nor loved and adored, the way he did me !

Well, it's been over 32 months now, since I lost him.
I didn't realize just how horrific a broken heart could be. I've heard others say, it was like literally having half your heart ripped out. And, they were so right !

To share with others, wasn't easy, but for some reason last spring, doing so seemed to be pressing on me.
This has been one of the most difficult journey's in my entire life !!

Just remember something that my Mom taught me, as a very small child, & have never forgotten...........
Christ will NEVER leave us, nor forsake us!

These Bible scriptures have literally been my sustenance & strength:

My Child, you may not know me, but I know everything about you! (Psalm 139:1)
I know when you sit down & when you rise up. I am familiar with all your ways! (Psalm 139:3)
For you were made in my image! (Genesis 1:27)
You are my offspring! (Acts 17:28)
You were not a mistake! For all your days are written in my book! (Psalm 139: 15-18)
I determined the exact time of your birth & where you would live! (Acts 17:28)
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope! (Jeremiah 29:11)
My thoughts toward you are as countless as the sand on the seashore! (Psalm 139:17-18)
And I rejoice over you with singing! (Zephaniah 3:17)
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you! (Psalm 34:18)
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart! (Isaiah 40:11)
One day, I will wipe every tear from your eyes & I'll take away all the pain you have suffered here on this earth!
(Revelation 21:3-4)
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love! (Romans 8: 31-32)
My question is, will you be my child? (John 1: 12-13)
I am waiting for you. (Luke 15:11-32)

My deepest prayers go with this story, for those of you who are also in grief.
Please remember: He will never ever, leave us ! Nothing, absolutely nothing, can snatch us from His Hands !


'In loving Memory of Gary William Gibbs'.

The Holidays and Bereavement - Joy, Memories and Tears

Laughter can change to tears in a moment for those who are coming out of grief after losing a loved one. The holidays are a time of gratitude, hope, and new beginnings. But those who are bereaved, even many years ago, can be surprised when unexpectedly something triggers the twinges of the old grief. Those who are widows and widowers know the feeling.

In the midst of the celebrations something touches off a memory and suddenly there is the sharp pain of missing the loved one. One's chest squeezes, one's throat chokes, and a few tears, or a waterfall of tears, seems to come out of nowhere. It could be in the grocery store, at a party, or driving by a familiar scene.

Other people, who have not experienced deep bereavement and these waves of grief that well up unexpectedly, might wonder what they did to cause this or what is wrong. Not understanding, and feeling uncomfortable around this, they may distance themselves and flee the vicinity. This rejection adds to the pain of the grief. Being around people who have experienced it and understand it, such as a Hospice Grief Group, gives people a place where they know they are safe.

Our society often treats grief like it is a stigma. Hospice helps those who are grieving during the holidays by providing special counseling and events to celebrate the lives of those whom we loved dearly and who have passed away. Hospice is a place where those who are grieving can talk, cry, remember, and share with others these complex mixed feelings.

Those of us who have experienced some deep bereavements know the wave of grief passes and we bounce back. It's important to just accept this as a part of grieving, a part of life, and as something that is normal.

My husband, Frank, passed away from cancer when I was 44, and a dearly loved gentleman companion, Bill, passed away in the early part of 2009. I was thankful that neither suffered for long, although they each had chronic illnesses for a long time. Those who have not lost a husband or wife may have experienced other painful bereavements. Each bereavement is unique and there is no way to say what type of loss is harder.

Turning to our spiritual beliefs is the greatest source of comfort we can find. We are all interconnected spiritually. Love is eternal and life is eternal.

When our friends feel the sudden pangs of grief we can help by listening, unafraid of their tears, and knowing it is a natural part of grieving. We know that even many years later something can trigger the grief waves, and it is not something to fear.

Often people who've experienced deep bereavements of dearly loved ones say although these waves of grief become farther apart, they never totally go away. The holidays in particular are times when we may miss our loved ones the most, but we know that life goes on and that we each have a mission.

Grief does heal with healthy grieving, but most people say the unexpected pangs or sharp twinges can still occur years or even decades later.

But much of society will be uncomfortable and flee our presence when we are grieving. Reminders of death and dying are something people usually wish to avoid. We too, do not wish to dwell on it, but grief has no time limit, although the severity grows less with time.

One of the lessons I learned from group sessions at Hospice was to allow the tears, because holding them back will create a bigger flood later! The wave of hurt when something triggers the grief pangs is more apt to pass if I don't fight it. Then moments later I might be once again remembering my loved one but also celebrating the happy times in the present moment.

Readers, if you have a story about a bereavement and getting through the holidays I invite you to tell your story in the Comment section below this post. Or, you can email it to me, Kristi, at kgott@charter.net and I can put it in a post, anonymously if you wish. Thank you and best wishes for the upcoming year.

Bereavement Series : In Loving Memory

Love Is Eternal.

In Loving Memory and Dedicated to William L. Hough, Sr., who loved wildlife and the wilderness.
Thank you Bill for your kindness, generosity, caring, sense of humor, and love of life. You are missed greatly.

Thank you Bill for so many incredible times enjoying nature's beauty and for encouraging me to get started in multimedia on computers. The Beauty of the Oregon Coast Wilderness will always remind me of you. In a way, being with the beauty of nature, the wildlife and wilderness, will always be like being with you.

Life is eternal. Love is eternal. The video below was made with you in my thoughts.

Kristi

Bereavement Series: Learning Something New

Nothing and no one can replace the special uniqueness of the loved one you have lost.

Personal growth, learning something new, doing something you've never done before, is a way to jumpstart life again.

After losing my husband in 1996 to cancer, and now after losing my beloved friend Bill this year to heart surgery, I know I've got to pull myself up and get going. They would each want me to enjoy life, have adventures, and use my abilities to give something beautiful to the world and to others.

I'm learning new computer programs, starting a new video project for the internet, and exploring the wilderness in Oregon. All the time I feel that the spirits of the ones I've lost are gently encouraging me forward and providing inspiration.

Bereavement Series: Opening to New Experiences

The empty places in life that were filled by a dear loved one mean that recreating the same life without that person won't work. Life looks like a piece of swiss cheese full of holes.

Opening to new experiences, a willingness to try things you've never done before, helps bring good things out of the pain of loss.

Thinking of the inter-connectedness of all things, and of joining up again with the community of living things, is part of recovery from bereavement.

Bereavement seems to be a solo journey of a seeker. No one can replace the unique essence of the person who is gone, and what the person meant to you.

I could see I would need to be braver and venture out where I hadn't been before after I lost my husband. Now, after losing a dearly loved companion, Bill, again I can see I need to go out into the unknown.

The old activities without Bill would be just that - without Bill. So it's time to redesign the old lifestyle. Exploring the unknown, and living with some uncertainty, means life will go down a new road.

My mantra could be "stay open to change."

Bereavement Series: Pet Therapy for Grief

When words cannot describe grief, the comfort of pets can be a blessing. Pets sense things that people may miss as we've seen on TV shows like Animal Planet. Changes in people's moods and health may be picked up by their pets.

My own rescued dogs are now rescuing me during the time following my beloved friend Bill's death. Teddybear, my lab mix, looks at me and then brings his toy and uses body language to tell me to throw it in the air for him to catch. Heidi, my little 6 lb. "mystery mix" gazes into my eyes, and licks my hands and face, and frisks about clearly asking me to play.

Sometimes animals can reach someone mentally and emotionally when people and words don't seem to work. The pets sense feelings and react with nurturing.

They sense when people are not their usual selves. There are many TV shows with videos of pets rescuing people who are ill or injured.

My own dogs clearly sense that something is different. The fact that their friend Bill has not been around now for awhile has been absorbed mentally somehow and they sense change.

As if we are one family, or one dog or wolf pack, they have been going out of their way to reach out to the member of the pack who is not her usual self.

The companionship of pets provides comfort and an uplift during the loneliness following loss,

Bereavement Series: The River of Life Flows On After Loss

There's a saying that life is like floating down a river and you never pass the same riverbanks twice. Sometimes I think there's a branch in the river of life and we part from others as we flow down a different fork.

Now it's been 4 weeks since I last saw, spoke with, and touched my much loved gentleman friend who passed away following heart surgery.

It's hard to believe it's been this long since I last talked to him in person. In my thoughts I still habitually start to anticipate telling him about something but then realize that he's not here.

I know he's left this life to live another one that is beyond my limited human understanding.

Like the river flowing downstream my life has kept moving to a different place, a different life. I like to think of him as flowing down a different river of life somewhere else now.

I know it's impossible to bring him back, much as I wish I could. Returning to the places and activities we shared does not bring him back, although there are many happy memories.

If life is like a river then I can see I'll need to get out my paddle and start steering my kayack or canoe on a new course. Things will be different now, and life needs to be reconfigured with new goals, new approaches.

The future is unknown, but one thing is certain. My loved one would not wish me to mourn forever, but instead to enjoy life. The beauty of nature, the affection of pets, good times with friends, and many other things can bring happiness again.

Bereavement Series: The Ministry of Presence Shows You Care

Just your very presence nearby is a way to minister to those who are suffering. It says "I'm here and I care. You're not alone." A hug, squeeze of the hand, and soft eye contact communicates caring and can be soothing.

If you know someone who is bereaved, the Ministry of Presence, just being there, is a way to provide comfort and say "I'm here and I care."

During the end stage of a loved one's life, if you don't know what to do or say, you can keep a vigil by someone's side.

A caring touch, a stroke of the hair, a foot massage or a hand massage can reach through the solitude that can come with illness. It says "You're not alone, I'm here and I care deeply."

Soft eye contact also communicates when words cannot work. Often when someone is in the end stage, visitors unconsciously avoid eye contact, as a way of keeping a distance.

People often simply feel awkward and uncomfortable around someone who is severely ill and who may pass away. They may not realize they are avoiding eye contact, avoiding touch, keeping a distance.

When I was in a nursing program the teachers explained that research showed that people unconsciously avoid that which reminds them of suffering, dying and death. Without realizing it, they make excuses for themselves, avoiding situations that are threatening to them.

They may rationalize and try to justify why they can't be there for someone. But one must not take it as a form of rejection. It is simply because people are uncomfortable around suffering, reminders of death, or dying.

My nursing program teachers explained it is very important to give your eye contact, physical presence, caring touch, and a caring words. One may simply say "I'm here" and give a hand squeeze.

When you are the bereaved person, people may also react with this awkwardness. But words are not needed. Just being there says a lot.

After my husband died in 1996 a friend took me for quiet, scenic drives in the car. Going alone would not have been the same. By providing the Ministry of Presence my friend offered me the soothing comfort of someone who cared. A friend who was being there to listen if a listener was wanted made me feel less isolated by the bereavement.

Bereavement Series: Recovery and New Growth

Just as plants send out new shoots and buds, those of us with bereavement will have new growth as we recover. Learning new skills, meeting new people, seeing new places will occur and these do not mean we've left the memory of our loved one behind.

The treasured memories of love and caring, of shared times, are eternal. The metaphor of Winter turning into Spring has been used often but it is true. From the dry twigs of Winter new buds and blossoms will appear again. After grief new life will appear.

Yesterday I noticed small white flowers appearing on a fruit tree my loved one and I planted last Fall. Buds are coming out on some white birches that we planted too. It's mid-March and the grass is coming up green. The feelings of bereavement have gentled to the point I am feeling the beauty of nature as Spring comes.

A few days ago I took a long drive to explore. I went back to my gym to exercise, and visited with acquaintances there. Enough energy was returning that I worked on some new projects on the computer and started up an online class.

New personal growth, new learning and new directions are part of bereavement recovery. The other stages of grief will probably come and go in waves too. But I am starting to invent new paths in life while keeping the memories of someone much loved with me.

Bereavement Series: Complicated Grieving

Sometimes there is a sense of peace, like viewing the loss from a distant, higher place. Other times an unexpected grief storm seems to hit.

Some of the complications in grieving happened to me when I woke repeatedly after nightmarish dreams, with the circumstances of the death flashing by, feeling as if I were reliving it.

This happened after my husband died from cancer in 1996. It has occured again now (2009), after my gentleman companion of the past 3 years has died following heart surgery.

At 56 years old, with no siblings or children, I am alone. No relatives. It's all up to me to get through this bereavement and I will.

Following my husband's death returning to work immediately was a necessity. I worked long hours frantically, making achievements, winning awards at work. But eventually it all caught up with me and I had to get medical and mental health attention, and find time to attend a Hospice Grief Group.

Poor sleep, nightmares, flashback type memories, fatigue, indigestion, and tension headaches have occurred after both losses. In my Hospice Bereavement Groups I've learned that this is common.

The usual effects of stress can impact the immune system, and it's important following a loss to take extra care of yourself, especially nutrition, rest, and exercise.

Grieving and loss are effected by the total picture of the life of your loved one, and the circumstances of your own life situation. This is why each grief is so unique, so different from others.

The pieces of life, like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, have been thrown up into the air, and the old picture of life is gone.

I'm rebuilding a new picture, a new life. Some of the old life remains, but I'll need to get out there and discover some new pieces also to build the new life.

Bereavement Series: Grief Stages and Confusion

Elizabeth Kubler Ross never meant for her list of typical stages to be a model of rigid steps. A mixed emotional reaction often is felt. Also, the reactions can start while someone is still alive but ill.

The reactions she listed were as follows.

1. Denial Shock. Example: I can't believe that this is happening.
2. Anger Frustration. Example: Why is this happening? It's unfair! She/he didn't deserve this!
3. Bargaining Making promises to a higher power in exchange for this not to happen.
4. Depression Feeling like you don't care anymore.
5. Acceptance Preparing to go on with life, moving ahead to new interests, accepting what cannot be changed.

Those of us who have lost someone very dear know it's possible to feel shock, anger, pain, bargaining or any combination of the above all at once.

Dr. Roberta Temes had another approach and described these reactions to grief.

1. Numbness - socially withdrawn and functioning mechanically
2. Disorganization - "intensely painful feelings of loss"
3. Reorganization - re-entering a normal social life

It is common for some people to go back and forth between feeling numb and feeling intense pain.

When the numbness is there you might think the grieving is over. But then something can trigger intense pain.

The professionals who study grief agree on the following.
1. There is no completion date for grief.
2. Each grief is situation specific and therefore unique.
3. It's important to let the emotions flow rather than keep them bottled up.

Bereavement Series: Celebrating Your Loved One's Life

Looking back at your loved one's unique personality, affection, and the good times you shared together is a way of celebrating a life well lived. As humans we all have weaknesses and strengths. Remembering the strengths that made that person so special is a comfort.

After my husband died, and more recently after losing a dear gentleman friend, I thought back and wished we had not disagreed at times, and said things we were sorry for later. If only I could go back and do it over it would be different this time.

But it would be a dull world if everyone agreed all of the time, and of course that would not be realistic. So I decided not to berate myself for things I did or said that I wish I could undo.

I know my loved ones understood deep inside that through it all my love was strong.
I'm thankful for the beautiful times we shared, and it's time to celebrate lives that were well lived.

Bereavement Series: What's Next?

In the aftermath of loss one of the questions is "what's next" in life. It's a little like wondering how to find a bridge to cross over this experience and keep going.

I am 56 years old. In 1996 I lost my husband, whom I had known for 25 years, to cancer. Recently I lost my dearly loved gentleman friend, who did not survive heart surgery. We had been together for 3 years, the best years since my husband's death in 1996. Sharing so many of life's moments with a dearly loved one and then losing that special person leaves a huge void.

The love, hugs, affection and emotional sharing is gone. The companionship, conversation, shared goals, special meanings of life are gone. No one can fill that person's place and the future will be different.

A widowed friend of mine said one of her favorite tips was to make something good come out of the loss and pain. A grief counselor once told me that in every tragedy lies a seed of opportunity.

Those who have lost a dearly loved one have empathy and compassion from having walked that road. Giving back to the world, making a difference, volunteering for charities, turns that sense of loss into something meaningful.

Another widow I know, named "Joy" gave me some advice I followed after my husband died. She said, "You never need to be alone. There are so many people in need and so many places where you can volunteer to help others. And you'll meet the nicest people when you are helping others."

Bereavement Series: Staying Positive and Normal

I learned an important lesson from the dear one who passed away recently. As health declined and heart surgery became a risky but necessary choice my loved one left me with another piece of his wisdom.

Knowing he might not survive the surgery he decided to stay as positive and normal as possible. During the last week or so instead of psychological suffering he chose to live fully and enjoy each moment. He visited with friends and family, went out with me for drives, talked and joked almost as usual.

We all followed his lead and fell into a pattern that felt somewhat natural despite the circumstances. My last memories of him are of his love and caring, his enjoyment of life and people, and his sense of peace in the midst of what could have been a stormy time of upset.

It has helped me to hold these memories close as a comfort during these days after he is gone.