Bereavement Series: Complicated Grieving

Sometimes there is a sense of peace, like viewing the loss from a distant, higher place. Other times an unexpected grief storm seems to hit.

Some of the complications in grieving happened to me when I woke repeatedly after nightmarish dreams, with the circumstances of the death flashing by, feeling as if I were reliving it.

This happened after my husband died from cancer in 1996. It has occured again now (2009), after my gentleman companion of the past 3 years has died following heart surgery.

At 56 years old, with no siblings or children, I am alone. No relatives. It's all up to me to get through this bereavement and I will.

Following my husband's death returning to work immediately was a necessity. I worked long hours frantically, making achievements, winning awards at work. But eventually it all caught up with me and I had to get medical and mental health attention, and find time to attend a Hospice Grief Group.

Poor sleep, nightmares, flashback type memories, fatigue, indigestion, and tension headaches have occurred after both losses. In my Hospice Bereavement Groups I've learned that this is common.

The usual effects of stress can impact the immune system, and it's important following a loss to take extra care of yourself, especially nutrition, rest, and exercise.

Grieving and loss are effected by the total picture of the life of your loved one, and the circumstances of your own life situation. This is why each grief is so unique, so different from others.

The pieces of life, like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, have been thrown up into the air, and the old picture of life is gone.

I'm rebuilding a new picture, a new life. Some of the old life remains, but I'll need to get out there and discover some new pieces also to build the new life.

Bereavement Series: Grief Stages and Confusion

Elizabeth Kubler Ross never meant for her list of typical stages to be a model of rigid steps. A mixed emotional reaction often is felt. Also, the reactions can start while someone is still alive but ill.

The reactions she listed were as follows.

1. Denial Shock. Example: I can't believe that this is happening.
2. Anger Frustration. Example: Why is this happening? It's unfair! She/he didn't deserve this!
3. Bargaining Making promises to a higher power in exchange for this not to happen.
4. Depression Feeling like you don't care anymore.
5. Acceptance Preparing to go on with life, moving ahead to new interests, accepting what cannot be changed.

Those of us who have lost someone very dear know it's possible to feel shock, anger, pain, bargaining or any combination of the above all at once.

Dr. Roberta Temes had another approach and described these reactions to grief.

1. Numbness - socially withdrawn and functioning mechanically
2. Disorganization - "intensely painful feelings of loss"
3. Reorganization - re-entering a normal social life

It is common for some people to go back and forth between feeling numb and feeling intense pain.

When the numbness is there you might think the grieving is over. But then something can trigger intense pain.

The professionals who study grief agree on the following.
1. There is no completion date for grief.
2. Each grief is situation specific and therefore unique.
3. It's important to let the emotions flow rather than keep them bottled up.

Bereavement Series: Celebrating Your Loved One's Life

Looking back at your loved one's unique personality, affection, and the good times you shared together is a way of celebrating a life well lived. As humans we all have weaknesses and strengths. Remembering the strengths that made that person so special is a comfort.

After my husband died, and more recently after losing a dear gentleman friend, I thought back and wished we had not disagreed at times, and said things we were sorry for later. If only I could go back and do it over it would be different this time.

But it would be a dull world if everyone agreed all of the time, and of course that would not be realistic. So I decided not to berate myself for things I did or said that I wish I could undo.

I know my loved ones understood deep inside that through it all my love was strong.
I'm thankful for the beautiful times we shared, and it's time to celebrate lives that were well lived.

Bereavement Series: What's Next?

In the aftermath of loss one of the questions is "what's next" in life. It's a little like wondering how to find a bridge to cross over this experience and keep going.

I am 56 years old. In 1996 I lost my husband, whom I had known for 25 years, to cancer. Recently I lost my dearly loved gentleman friend, who did not survive heart surgery. We had been together for 3 years, the best years since my husband's death in 1996. Sharing so many of life's moments with a dearly loved one and then losing that special person leaves a huge void.

The love, hugs, affection and emotional sharing is gone. The companionship, conversation, shared goals, special meanings of life are gone. No one can fill that person's place and the future will be different.

A widowed friend of mine said one of her favorite tips was to make something good come out of the loss and pain. A grief counselor once told me that in every tragedy lies a seed of opportunity.

Those who have lost a dearly loved one have empathy and compassion from having walked that road. Giving back to the world, making a difference, volunteering for charities, turns that sense of loss into something meaningful.

Another widow I know, named "Joy" gave me some advice I followed after my husband died. She said, "You never need to be alone. There are so many people in need and so many places where you can volunteer to help others. And you'll meet the nicest people when you are helping others."

Bereavement Series: Staying Positive and Normal

I learned an important lesson from the dear one who passed away recently. As health declined and heart surgery became a risky but necessary choice my loved one left me with another piece of his wisdom.

Knowing he might not survive the surgery he decided to stay as positive and normal as possible. During the last week or so instead of psychological suffering he chose to live fully and enjoy each moment. He visited with friends and family, went out with me for drives, talked and joked almost as usual.

We all followed his lead and fell into a pattern that felt somewhat natural despite the circumstances. My last memories of him are of his love and caring, his enjoyment of life and people, and his sense of peace in the midst of what could have been a stormy time of upset.

It has helped me to hold these memories close as a comfort during these days after he is gone.

Bereavement Series: Loss is Multifaceted

I recently lost someone very dear to me. The grief is multifaceted. Sharp pains of loss. Relief that my loved one did not suffer a long agonizing illness. Shock that one day I was speaking and touching my loved one and the next I was praying by his body. A sense of disorientation. Did this really happen? It has a dreamlike quality. Spiritual beliefs and philosophies are a source of comfort but of questions too.

It is said that in every tragedy is a seed of opportunity. After a loss one can memorialize the loved one by making the world a better place through compassionate, charitable and humanitarian efforts.

Through our lives the grief and losses change us and change the courses of our lives. Careers, activities and beliefs often change when we lose a close loved one.

Love is eternal. Our love for the one who is gone goes on. Spreading that love meaningfully by making the world a better, more caring place is one of the healing steps we can take during grieving.

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